overwhelmed

I don't know how to act. I'm confused and lost. I thought I would be okay.. yet my heart got broken  again. Trisna oh my dear Trisna.. you know the situation better than anyone who are willing to give  you life advises about this. And to be honest, you also knew this situation better than him, yet how could it turn out like this? How crazy it's when both of you knew it's impossible to move forward than this yet you (Trisna), still can't decide the obvious thing to let him go.

What are looking for from him? you know it too well Trisna, you deserve someone better than him. A lot better! You deserve a whole package gentleman who treats you like a princess, just like how you want it to be. The perfect life that you are always imagine, which full of passionate love that never dies. Hey, Is it your ego win over you? The ego of wanting to be the best girl in his life who loves him to the fullest? Or is it just a simple empathy? Either way.. why would you care? Why would you suffer yourself for something like this? Like.. could you simply tell me one reason Tris..

"You are not obligated to fix him for his past", that's exactly what my sister said whenever I made excuses for him treating me like no one. What's my goal? giving him the better life that full of love? But, what is it for? Why should you do that? It's not your job Trisna. It's not your fucking job!! He ignored your texts! YOU ARE DISTURBING HIM! You confuse him with his life decisions also Tris, you made it hard for him too. You said you want his happiness more than anything right? Then you should stop doing this, and respect his decisions, okay Tris?

I'm having conversation in my head with myself, neck to neck yelling between my logic and my feelings, while listening to Gayatri Mantra to calm me down a bit. You  need to wake up baby Trisna, open your eyes, open them wide. You did all of these for whom? not for you, not for him, so for whom?

"But, he's my source of happiness, then it's for me right? I'm doing this for me right?" Well tris, let me ask you one question, is he the only source of your happiness? "No.. no he isn't" Then, how about you start finding it somewhere else? "I did try to find it in other people but, it never like how it is when I'm with him. it was different", How so? "I don't know, I really don't know.. I'm not sure myself". Then, why don't you try to find it inside yourself Tris, you may free your soul from this seeking game.

"He said he love me", yes Trisna, he did say that, I know... But, it still doesn't change anything right? it still doesn't change a thing! you still can't have him. "That's why I will love him in silent and far away like how I always do", But Trisna, it will hurt you even more, he wants you to be happy! don't you listen to what he got to say!? "And did you forget what I just say? He is also part of my happiness, I'm happy to love him this way..until the day he found his forever" So.. are you going to settle for less and making this sacrifice even bigger? "Well, if you put it that way.. I guess I will". You know you are doing something so stupid right? "Hahaha, I know, I also think this is a stupid thing to do. But, if God let me, I want to do it this way a bit longer". You will regret this decision Trisna, "Hopefully not as much as what people expect me, But, right now I feel like I will regret it even more if I don't do it this way"

Hey Trisna, it's time for you to visit to your doctor, don't miss it out again like last month. "Okay"