Page 2 - Maturing

the little girl has grown up,
tiny steps into big dreams,
she never been so sure of what she wants,
until that day where she decided to..
trust herself.

dark alleys still scared her,
but fairies keep giving her their lights,
more than she ever thought she would have,
she's blessed.
more importantly she could feel it,
she felt blessed.

now, she's a strong girl,
at least stronger than before,
took time and pain to make her this way,
tons of battlefield,
broken hopes, dead dreams,
a war with herself,
filled with unknown tears.

but the light doesn't goes off,
the fairies keeping them bright,
as bright as the sun,
oh God, she's so blessed,

some fairies go away,
but the new one keep coming out,
holding her faith that she will win,
she will win this fight.

No,
she wasn't looking for a prince charming,
this strong girl needs a knight,
she needs a soldier friend,
because she knew mere prince won't be enough
and she won't be lowering her standard,
not again..
for a weak man,
she's way too good for that.

she held her chin up
with or without crown on her head
because she knew she deserves more
than what this dungeon offers

she will keep her light
of her own
and she own no one for her light
more than the fairies.

Page 1 - the starting

[this post has been written in 2018, but I'm posting it now because I'm ready to change]

I don't have mental illness
I mean...I don't have any reasons to be depress
I have most of things people wish to have
I'm a medical student, in a prestigious university, my mom got tons of link to get me even to further stage of my career, I have a beautiful and kindhearted sister who will always support me, I never feel like I need to save up because my dad shower me with goods, I don't have any difficulties to make new friends, talk about my some of my problems to them or even have a deep as conversation about it.
I. don't. have. any. reasons. to. be. depress.

But why am I hating myself..
why am I not feeling satisfied
why do keep seeking for other validation
why am I feel like I'm worthless

It's hard for me to sleep at night
idk since when, but I have taking some flu meds to help me with it.
where did it go wrong?
I want to make this feeling go away
I'm tired
I'm so fucking done with everything
I'm tired, this drain my soul more than anything
this feeling of "I'm not good enough"
this is so hard, especially when people know you as "the cheerful" one
you keep faking it
and make everything worse
but when you weren't faking it people gonna start asking you questions
"Kenapa km nggak bilang aku sih??"
because I know you wouldn't care, nor understand
you just want to know what's going on yet no desire to help
yes I know
because humans are like that
I don't blame you guys

I don't want to have a mental illness
I don't want to be depress
I just seeking for attention, right?
all of these just an illusion, right?
I have it good in life
I don't have reason to be depress
but what I know I need help
I know I can't deal with this shit by myself
someone please help me

-------------------------------------------------------------------

and we are back to 2020 trisna, yey. So I wrote this post in 2018, I'm in denial phase of me having what I believe as "depression" (yes,i just self- diagnosed myself, lol). I know the symptoms and I feel the change in my behavior and emotional. WHY do I share this to the internet? because I finally get a help, from a professional, sp.KJ. I want to track record everything to make a better me, so one day, tho I know my blog audience are just my sis and some creepy old dudes, it could help other people. 

"asking for help never weaken you"

2020 is gonna be the year I'm focusing on myself and only myself

self-improvement and healtier mental state

cheers to the glorious 2020

the light

the rain has stoped
she's no longer in drain
her body pieces keep her alive
but her soul is broken
it's long time dead
and she's tired

she swears she's alive
she also wants to live
the way she wanted
but life doesnt work that way
we all know we need to suffer for the price of oxygen

the light once again come out
at time she needed the most
brief happiness too much to contain
it should be fine
she's stronger now, she knew what to expect
but then again the light pushed her away
leaving her wonder what was that all about

she needs the light
but more likely,
she needs the light needed her
in language she can understand

giving up

im tired,

it's your win, life,

now leave me alone
please.

it's been a year

        I have been writing in this blog lately but never actually post it. And the one that I'm posting is always about my love story. I guess this blog become my forever safe place to talk about those stuff aka wanting some attention without afraid getting judge directly by anyone. It's been almost a year since my first heart break. On my 22nd birthday I accidentally  start a conversation with him, and we started to send DM on instagram again. If I have to be honest, I was happy at first. "I don't have to avoid him anymore", that's all I was thinking. But our conversation was getting more hurtful for me by the time, since he still remember my small habits and by the way he talked, he clearly doesn't care as much as I do. But sometimes I wondered if he really know how much he broke me at that time. 

            We talked. That's nice. Not able to talk to the person who once you loved with all of your heart is scary, so this is nice. I should be satisfied. I should be. But I'm not.. I still wanting to seek for answers of the reason of my suffering sleepless nights. I want him to know that he did something really mean to me, I want him to know he was a jerk and I don't deserve any of those. I want his acknowledgement. But what's the point of it? nothing is gonna change... no, it's not I want something to change between both of us like how it was before, because I can't let myself in the same despair again. For the God's sake, I wish I would never go thru something like that again. This prolonged heartbreak which ruin my life shouldn't be with me any longer. 

               So... what was I looking for.. I would like to know the answer as well. Why do I so freaking care about his freaking opinions.. I should just walk away and not looking back. I should just leave him alone since he's the one who push me away. Man, everyone knows it's his loss. Then why..?
                I want him to be happy. As cringe as it sounds and why the fuck I still think that way when he broke me to pieces, I should just wish him hell... Well, I guess he really does my first love, cause this is so not make any fucking sense. But, after knowing he has a girlfriend just by only 2 weeks after we broken up.. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I'm not fine with that, not when even until recently I still having the worst nightmare about him. Still not fine with this break up. I still blaming myself for everything that happened, hating myself even more and such. But at the same time, I hate his ex-GF (yes, they have broken up) for cheating to him. He left me for you, at least make him happy while it last. Dammit girl, I would love to be in your place.
                I believe that we met people in this world for reasons. It's always between you changed their life or they changed your life. Since he clearly changed mine and I hope I changed his for the better. Because of him I learn a lot about myself, should I thank him(?). Well, I guess he's someone that God sends to me for my character development.
                 On September 2019, I met a guy thru the internet, yes, I know it's so risky, but at this time I don't care anymore. He's kind, charming, cute I guess.. He treasure me so much just by the short amount of time we spent together which kinda strange and tbh I was scared. My first love used to be as sweet as him at first we were dating. Although he turned cold just by the blink of eyes. So, would he do the same?
                This guy did something I don't like and I confronted it in front of his face, I told him that I was uncomfortable with him doing or say certain of things. I don't really know why did I do that.. since I just playing with him, I should just leave him like that without telling him anything. But his respond to my critique was flawless. He make me feel like I could talk to him about things I fancy and I don't, without need to lower my standard about anything. He acknowledged it, and willing to change. I don't crazily in love with him like how I used to with my ex-boyfriend which is good, since I still could be objective with a lot of stuff. And tbh he's kind of guy that I could be serious with.. but ofc it's not that easy, yep, once again, the same mistake repeat once again. He has different religion as me. I keep playing with fire tho I know it will hurt me in the end but, at the same time I push away people whose religion the same as me. Why? I guess I'm just afraid to settle down with the wrong person, afraid to have be serious with someone who would hurt me in future, like.. how do you know they won't? I thought I could fight for my first love but man, I was wrong. How do you know that person is the one? I don't know.. probably I was a bitch.
                    How do people keep moving forward like how it suppose to be? Why am I so scared about these stuff? Why can't I believe in my decisions?
                      I know when my happily married future me read this post, she would laugh, but for now I'm praying, Dear God,  please help me, cause I'm stuck, I just want to be happy.

A Place Where Kids Taught Me How to Live My Life

Stase pertama langsung dapat stase major yang banyak gosip kalau stase ini salah satu yg paling berat di DM1. Well.. i wouldnt say it was "easy", but i guess it's pretty manageable for me. Mungkin karena aku punya mereka, teman-teman sekelompok stase pediatri yang sumpaaah, aku sayang banget. Padahal dari mereka nggak ada yg aku akrab banget sebelum mulai stase ini, bahkan di hari pertama, saking aku ngerasa sangat distant sama mereka, aku nulis di buku jurnalku, berdoa biar aku bisa akrab sama mereka.. lucu banget deh pokoknya. 

But really i have to say thank you, so freaking much to them, for making my days in pediatric a lot easier, every laughs, insults, omdo omdo kita, kemalasan yg hqq and very liltle things we did together. I treasure all of it. Have nothing to say except "thank you", may we realized that God have the best way prepared for us in the future

terima kasih pediatri

terima kasih kelompok 2

a fool

rushed back into old memories

everytime darkness coming thru as she closed her eyes

she found herself his replacement

a perfect size body pillow with imagination of his body warm

as she closed her eyes, as tighter her hug becomes

sleeping was easy for her

but now, the ice wall has melted,

the ice wall that protected her,

the wall which getting higher as love keep disappointed her, has gone.

no, she opened the door for him

because she loved him.

it was her first love

"dont be a fool, he doesnt want you"

"you are ugly, he prefer someone prettier"

"your family sucks, it's toxic for him"

"you are too fat, he cant even carry you"

"you are too clingy, it annoys him"

"you are useless, get lost"

her mind is trying to kill her

she knew, she wasn't a perfect match for him

but, what if...

what if she tried hard enough to get prettier

what if her family doesnt despite them

what if she strave herself to get skinnier

what if she took 'happy pills' to handle her behavior

what if she could abandon her problems to help him

....what if things were differently

will they have different ending?




she closes her eyes

sinking into her darkest friend

who tries to kill her

because she knew things won't change