Page 1 - the starting

[this post has been written in 2018, but I'm posting it now because I'm ready to change]

I don't have mental illness
I mean...I don't have any reasons to be depress
I have most of things people wish to have
I'm a medical student, in a prestigious university, my mom got tons of link to get me even to further stage of my career, I have a beautiful and kindhearted sister who will always support me, I never feel like I need to save up because my dad shower me with goods, I don't have any difficulties to make new friends, talk about my some of my problems to them or even have a deep as conversation about it.
I. don't. have. any. reasons. to. be. depress.

But why am I hating myself..
why am I not feeling satisfied
why do keep seeking for other validation
why am I feel like I'm worthless

It's hard for me to sleep at night
idk since when, but I have taking some flu meds to help me with it.
where did it go wrong?
I want to make this feeling go away
I'm tired
I'm so fucking done with everything
I'm tired, this drain my soul more than anything
this feeling of "I'm not good enough"
this is so hard, especially when people know you as "the cheerful" one
you keep faking it
and make everything worse
but when you weren't faking it people gonna start asking you questions
"Kenapa km nggak bilang aku sih??"
because I know you wouldn't care, nor understand
you just want to know what's going on yet no desire to help
yes I know
because humans are like that
I don't blame you guys

I don't want to have a mental illness
I don't want to be depress
I just seeking for attention, right?
all of these just an illusion, right?
I have it good in life
I don't have reason to be depress
but what I know I need help
I know I can't deal with this shit by myself
someone please help me

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and we are back to 2020 trisna, yey. So I wrote this post in 2018, I'm in denial phase of me having what I believe as "depression" (yes,i just self- diagnosed myself, lol). I know the symptoms and I feel the change in my behavior and emotional. WHY do I share this to the internet? because I finally get a help, from a professional, sp.KJ. I want to track record everything to make a better me, so one day, tho I know my blog audience are just my sis and some creepy old dudes, it could help other people. 

"asking for help never weaken you"

2020 is gonna be the year I'm focusing on myself and only myself

self-improvement and healtier mental state

cheers to the glorious 2020