giving up

im tired,

it's your win, life,

now leave me alone
please.

it's been a year

        I have been writing in this blog lately but never actually post it. And the one that I'm posting is always about my love story. I guess this blog become my forever safe place to talk about those stuff aka wanting some attention without afraid getting judge directly by anyone. It's been almost a year since my first heart break. On my 22nd birthday I accidentally  start a conversation with him, and we started to send DM on instagram again. If I have to be honest, I was happy at first. "I don't have to avoid him anymore", that's all I was thinking. But our conversation was getting more hurtful for me by the time, since he still remember my small habits and by the way he talked, he clearly doesn't care as much as I do. But sometimes I wondered if he really know how much he broke me at that time. 

            We talked. That's nice. Not able to talk to the person who once you loved with all of your heart is scary, so this is nice. I should be satisfied. I should be. But I'm not.. I still wanting to seek for answers of the reason of my suffering sleepless nights. I want him to know that he did something really mean to me, I want him to know he was a jerk and I don't deserve any of those. I want his acknowledgement. But what's the point of it? nothing is gonna change... no, it's not I want something to change between both of us like how it was before, because I can't let myself in the same despair again. For the God's sake, I wish I would never go thru something like that again. This prolonged heartbreak which ruin my life shouldn't be with me any longer. 

               So... what was I looking for.. I would like to know the answer as well. Why do I so freaking care about his freaking opinions.. I should just walk away and not looking back. I should just leave him alone since he's the one who push me away. Man, everyone knows it's his loss. Then why..?
                I want him to be happy. As cringe as it sounds and why the fuck I still think that way when he broke me to pieces, I should just wish him hell... Well, I guess he really does my first love, cause this is so not make any fucking sense. But, after knowing he has a girlfriend just by only 2 weeks after we broken up.. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I'm not fine with that, not when even until recently I still having the worst nightmare about him. Still not fine with this break up. I still blaming myself for everything that happened, hating myself even more and such. But at the same time, I hate his ex-GF (yes, they have broken up) for cheating to him. He left me for you, at least make him happy while it last. Dammit girl, I would love to be in your place.
                I believe that we met people in this world for reasons. It's always between you changed their life or they changed your life. Since he clearly changed mine and I hope I changed his for the better. Because of him I learn a lot about myself, should I thank him(?). Well, I guess he's someone that God sends to me for my character development.
                 On September 2019, I met a guy thru the internet, yes, I know it's so risky, but at this time I don't care anymore. He's kind, charming, cute I guess.. He treasure me so much just by the short amount of time we spent together which kinda strange and tbh I was scared. My first love used to be as sweet as him at first we were dating. Although he turned cold just by the blink of eyes. So, would he do the same?
                This guy did something I don't like and I confronted it in front of his face, I told him that I was uncomfortable with him doing or say certain of things. I don't really know why did I do that.. since I just playing with him, I should just leave him like that without telling him anything. But his respond to my critique was flawless. He make me feel like I could talk to him about things I fancy and I don't, without need to lower my standard about anything. He acknowledged it, and willing to change. I don't crazily in love with him like how I used to with my ex-boyfriend which is good, since I still could be objective with a lot of stuff. And tbh he's kind of guy that I could be serious with.. but ofc it's not that easy, yep, once again, the same mistake repeat once again. He has different religion as me. I keep playing with fire tho I know it will hurt me in the end but, at the same time I push away people whose religion the same as me. Why? I guess I'm just afraid to settle down with the wrong person, afraid to have be serious with someone who would hurt me in future, like.. how do you know they won't? I thought I could fight for my first love but man, I was wrong. How do you know that person is the one? I don't know.. probably I was a bitch.
                    How do people keep moving forward like how it suppose to be? Why am I so scared about these stuff? Why can't I believe in my decisions?
                      I know when my happily married future me read this post, she would laugh, but for now I'm praying, Dear God,  please help me, cause I'm stuck, I just want to be happy.

A Place Where Kids Taught Me How to Live My Life

Stase pertama langsung dapat stase major yang banyak gosip kalau stase ini salah satu yg paling berat di DM1. Well.. i wouldnt say it was "easy", but i guess it's pretty manageable for me. Mungkin karena aku punya mereka, teman-teman sekelompok stase pediatri yang sumpaaah, aku sayang banget. Padahal dari mereka nggak ada yg aku akrab banget sebelum mulai stase ini, bahkan di hari pertama, saking aku ngerasa sangat distant sama mereka, aku nulis di buku jurnalku, berdoa biar aku bisa akrab sama mereka.. lucu banget deh pokoknya. 

But really i have to say thank you, so freaking much to them, for making my days in pediatric a lot easier, every laughs, insults, omdo omdo kita, kemalasan yg hqq and very liltle things we did together. I treasure all of it. Have nothing to say except "thank you", may we realized that God have the best way prepared for us in the future

terima kasih pediatri

terima kasih kelompok 2

a fool

rushed back into old memories

everytime darkness coming thru as she closed her eyes

she found herself his replacement

a perfect size body pillow with imagination of his body warm

as she closed her eyes, as tighter her hug becomes

sleeping was easy for her

but now, the ice wall has melted,

the ice wall that protected her,

the wall which getting higher as love keep disappointed her, has gone.

no, she opened the door for him

because she loved him.

it was her first love

"dont be a fool, he doesnt want you"

"you are ugly, he prefer someone prettier"

"your family sucks, it's toxic for him"

"you are too fat, he cant even carry you"

"you are too clingy, it annoys him"

"you are useless, get lost"

her mind is trying to kill her

she knew, she wasn't a perfect match for him

but, what if...

what if she tried hard enough to get prettier

what if her family doesnt despite them

what if she strave herself to get skinnier

what if she took 'happy pills' to handle her behavior

what if she could abandon her problems to help him

....what if things were differently

will they have different ending?




she closes her eyes

sinking into her darkest friend

who tries to kill her

because she knew things won't change

divorce

one day we took a bow
promised to be in rain nor rainbow
together, looking at the same window
play no tricks like the jack sparrow

but, like a firework, the spark is gone
hope in your eyes is nowhere to be found
your words hunted me like a hound
perfectly captured myself as a dumb
honey, are you done?

being tolerant will be my forever mistake
of my poor soul for our children's sake
give me a break
cause, it suppose to be give and take

now I'm at my peak
im not broken, im a whole new stick
sounds stupid but im going to take a risk
putting my happiness as priority innit
honey trust me, it's gonna be sick

first love kills.

like a storm you came unwanted
with those beautiful eyes of yours
small talks and warm smiles
enough to draw my attentions to you

not sure what do we called this feeling
because baby, i don't do love very often
no.
i don't do love

i always knew i'm a simple girl
who just craving things i can't have in my early days
love and attention
as simple as that.

i just want to be wanted
is it hard?

sweet words over gentle gesture
you win my heart so damn easily
becoming my main source of happiness just like that
never knew i could be this naive
never knew.

smile ear to ear when i see you smile
skip a bit when you called me 'babe'
felt the butterfly when you text me first
my cheeks on fire when you called me pretty

my mind is a mess because of you
and i don't mind a bit

the old me changed
a powerful urge from the bottom of my heart,
shocked me

now i don't just want to 'take' the loves
but, i want to protect you
i want to make sure you have reasons to smile
i want you to be happy.

this is new
this feeling.
and i don't know what to do
i'm scared

babe, i'm scared.
i told you i was scared

"you must be scared of me changing my attitude to you?"
yeah..
you were right babe
but, i'm not afraid of your kindness tho
i'm afraid of the withdrawals

which happened.
way faster than what i could imagine
way faster.

day after day, it get worse
then it got better
then it got worse on the next day
then it never got better..

"babe, i'm all yours"
eat shit.
" just i want to see your face"
asshole.
"i'm doing this because i think of your feeling"
bullshit.

"no, there is nothing i don't like about you"
ffs, stop lying.
i knew you lied to me!
you liar..
you liar.

you are so mean.
you are so mean.

babe, i love you,
i love you so damn much..
but you are so mean
and you have to own that

i gave you the power to destroy me
and you used it to the fullest
how impressive.
where did you learn all of those, huh?

you just knew the perfect way to hurt me
everything
felt like hell
did you intend it that way?
or you just have talent for breaking woman's heart?

i knew we can't be together, i knew.
i knew your reason for breaking me up is valid, i knew.
but everything was way too fast
babe,everything was way TOO fast
to the point where i wondered if..
everything that happened just a big fat lie

why can't you give me this privilege a bit longer
this feeling.
just let me breath the air of your affection a bit longer
let me hug you, hold your hands, kiss you a bit longer
let me being lost in your beautiful eyes while buring my cheeks red
let me having a reason to tell you how much i love you

cause baby,
i just want to be in love
and to be loved.

but you walk away
far too easily
testing my sanity
was it ever really love for you?
was it?

"im just better hiding this kind of things"
then you should be an actor babe
because damn, you fooled me completly
thinking you never been hurt because of this
thinking you never been in love with me before
crying from the deepest of my lungs
breaking every pieces of my heart
sucking every drop of my tears
you are good at that

believe me, you hurted me more than what you think you were

seeing you moving on hurt me
imagining another girl got to stare at your beautiful eyes is killing me
the idea of you having a new start..
..i can't

but you are smiling now.
the smile that used to make me smile
the smile i'm dying to protect
the smile that used to be my painkiller
your smile.

you. are. happy.
and now, i'm not needed anymore
i have to let you go..
i know..
but babe, it's hard.
guess you just don't care that much, do you?

people said time heals
well, it's gonna be long one for me
but i know i will heal
and you will my beautiful "lesson" people talk about

thank you
thank you for your kindness
thank you for your time
thank you for the things you did say

i discovered new side of me because of you
and i'm thankful for that
until this message has written
i love you.
still.
live well nif.

Where Is The Lo(v)e

[I wrote this on 13th]

14th February is at the edge. It's coming again, for people who passionately saying their lust and ego are the true meaning of love. It's kinda funny to think people will spend too much money on gifts for someone that won't be there at the hard times and those cheesy captions on instagram that definitely sounds stupid, which makes you questionable about how exactly their brains work. Don't got me wrong guys..., I do NOT hate valentine day, I just do not looking forward to it (?) Yeah, yeah probably because I'm single and lonely or whatever the reasons you think of.

I got a friend who constantly saying they're (yes, gotta use "they" so you won't know the gender) pitying me because I'm single whatsoever, to the point it annoy me. I am a chill girl, although you say something really bad about me, I won't take it seriously or I will forget it the next day. But! this friend, who already got a mate, omg, keep saying things like I have the urge to have a boyfriend. Like I'm dying for affections, which I'm not, because I'm not like them, HA! I got so much affections from people around me and I think it's enough for me, at least for now. I don't think I need those affections in sexual way yet. Like hell yeah, I'm still 19 y.o, so green and still don't know how umami taste like.

When I was in the last year of junior high school, I got a huge crush on one of my classmate (I wonder if he's gonna read this) On valentine day, that year, I got him a chocolate and a letter saying "Love You". The letter is actually from letters of a newspaper that I cut one by one, because I'm too afraid he would know it was from me if I write it by hand. I put it at his "kolong bangku" when no one around, and dash away after that. To be honest, to think I really did that, just got me jaw drops, like.. damn I'm so freaking brave,lol. And the funny thing is.. he was asking me if I saw someone put chocolate at his table, and I answer "It's me, fucker" Lol, no way I would say that.

I was lucky enough to date this guy (since I used to like him), but we broke up after 3 months, why? because of my ego. You could say that I'm not mature enough to suppress my own desire for someone else sake at that time. Because.. isn't that the meaning of being in relationship? being tied down, haha *insert bdsm pun* Well, actually I still can't do it now too. That's why I choose not to be in relationship yet, because I could see it would be a hopeless kind. For me being in relationship is quite a big thing, I mean, the purpose of "dating" is to get know your partner better before the marriage right? (well, if you planning to have one). If you can't picture yourself with your partner in few years later, then... what's the point of it? is it just for fun? or for killing time? well.. I'm not one of those girl so that's why.

I'm in one phase of my life where I'm really happy with everything that I have. My family are healthy, my study is doing well (I guess, lol), my friends are kind, and a lot more. My life is pretty good and I'm satisfied of that. So, for my dear friend who is annoying sometimes, because you keep saying stupid things like you are stupid I don't think I need to take your advice to heart because I know myself better than you are, I choose to enjoy my life at fullest and be happy in my way than being in some troublesome relationship which only hurts people feeling. For everyone who's single this year.. please don't look down on yourself, just focus on improving yourself, and believe me.. it's gonna worth in the future. And for my friends who already got someone to fuck boyfriend/girlfriend, I hope you are happy with your choices and don't be a jerk.. like 'that' friend.

So, yeah.. Happy Valentine Guys
with love,
Trisna