first love kills.

like a storm you came unwanted
with those beautiful eyes of yours
small talks and warm smiles
enough to draw my attentions to you

not sure what do we called this feeling
because baby, i don't do love very often
no.
i don't do love

i always knew i'm a simple girl
who just craving things i can't have in my early days
love and attention
as simple as that.

i just want to be wanted
is it hard?

sweet words over gentle gesture
you win my heart so damn easily
becoming my main source of happiness just like that
never knew i could be this naive
never knew.

smile ear to ear when i see you smile
skip a bit when you called me 'babe'
felt the butterfly when you text me first
my cheeks on fire when you called me pretty

my mind is a mess because of you
and i don't mind a bit

the old me changed
a powerful urge from the bottom of my heart,
shocked me

now i don't just want to 'take' the loves
but, i want to protect you
i want to make sure you have reasons to smile
i want you to be happy.

this is new
this feeling.
and i don't know what to do
i'm scared

babe, i'm scared.
i told you i was scared

"you must be scared of me changing my attitude to you?"
yeah..
you were right babe
but, i'm not afraid of your kindness tho
i'm afraid of the withdrawals

which happened.
way faster than what i could imagine
way faster.

day after day, it get worse
then it got better
then it got worse on the next day
then it never got better..

"babe, i'm all yours"
eat shit.
" just i want to see your face"
asshole.
"i'm doing this because i think of your feeling"
bullshit.

"no, there is nothing i don't like about you"
ffs, stop lying.
i knew you lied to me!
you liar..
you liar.

you are so mean.
you are so mean.

babe, i love you,
i love you so damn much..
but you are so mean
and you have to own that

i gave you the power to destroy me
and you used it to the fullest
how impressive.
where did you learn all of those, huh?

you just knew the perfect way to hurt me
everything
felt like hell
did you intend it that way?
or you just have talent for breaking woman's heart?

i knew we can't be together, i knew.
i knew your reason for breaking me up is valid, i knew.
but everything was way too fast
babe,everything was way TOO fast
to the point where i wondered if..
everything that happened just a big fat lie

why can't you give me this privilege a bit longer
this feeling.
just let me breath the air of your affection a bit longer
let me hug you, hold your hands, kiss you a bit longer
let me being lost in your beautiful eyes while buring my cheeks red
let me having a reason to tell you how much i love you

cause baby,
i just want to be in love
and to be loved.

but you walk away
far too easily
testing my sanity
was it ever really love for you?
was it?

"im just better hiding this kind of things"
then you should be an actor babe
because damn, you fooled me completly
thinking you never been hurt because of this
thinking you never been in love with me before
crying from the deepest of my lungs
breaking every pieces of my heart
sucking every drop of my tears
you are good at that

believe me, you hurted me more than what you think you were

seeing you moving on hurt me
imagining another girl got to stare at your beautiful eyes is killing me
the idea of you having a new start..
..i can't

but you are smiling now.
the smile that used to make me smile
the smile i'm dying to protect
the smile that used to be my painkiller
your smile.

you. are. happy.
and now, i'm not needed anymore
i have to let you go..
i know..
but babe, it's hard.
guess you just don't care that much, do you?

people said time heals
well, it's gonna be long one for me
but i know i will heal
and you will my beautiful "lesson" people talk about

thank you
thank you for your kindness
thank you for your time
thank you for the things you did say

i discovered new side of me because of you
and i'm thankful for that
until this message has written
i love you.
still.
live well nif.