the rain has stoped
she's no longer in drain
her body pieces keep her alive
but her soul is broken
it's long time dead
and she's tired
she swears she's alive
she also wants to live
the way she wanted
but life doesnt work that way
we all know we need to suffer for the price of oxygen
the light once again come out
at time she needed the most
brief happiness too much to contain
it should be fine
she's stronger now, she knew what to expect
but then again the light pushed her away
leaving her wonder what was that all about
she needs the light
but more likely,
she needs the light needed her
in language she can understand
.
Tuesday, December 10, 2019
Thursday, December 5, 2019
Sunday, September 29, 2019
it's been a year
I have been writing in this blog lately but never actually post it. And the one that I'm posting is always about my love story. I guess this blog become my forever safe place to talk about those stuff aka wanting some attention without afraid getting judge directly by anyone. It's been almost a year since my first heart break. On my 22nd birthday I accidentally start a conversation with him, and we started to send DM on instagram again. If I have to be honest, I was happy at first. "I don't have to avoid him anymore", that's all I was thinking. But our conversation was getting more hurtful for me by the time, since he still remember my small habits and by the way he talked, he clearly doesn't care as much as I do. But sometimes I wondered if he really know how much he broke me at that time.
We talked. That's nice. Not able to talk to the person who once you loved with all of your heart is scary, so this is nice. I should be satisfied. I should be. But I'm not.. I still wanting to seek for answers of the reason of my suffering sleepless nights. I want him to know that he did something really mean to me, I want him to know he was a jerk and I don't deserve any of those. I want his acknowledgement. But what's the point of it? nothing is gonna change... no, it's not I want something to change between both of us like how it was before, because I can't let myself in the same despair again. For the God's sake, I wish I would never go thru something like that again. This prolonged heartbreak which ruin my life shouldn't be with me any longer.
So... what was I looking for.. I would like to know the answer as well. Why do I so freaking care about his freaking opinions.. I should just walk away and not looking back. I should just leave him alone since he's the one who push me away. Man, everyone knows it's his loss. Then why..?
I want him to be happy. As cringe as it sounds and why the fuck I still think that way when he broke me to pieces, I should just wish him hell... Well, I guess he really does my first love, cause this is so not make any fucking sense. But, after knowing he has a girlfriend just by only 2 weeks after we broken up.. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I'm not fine with that, not when even until recently I still having the worst nightmare about him. Still not fine with this break up. I still blaming myself for everything that happened, hating myself even more and such. But at the same time, I hate his ex-GF (yes, they have broken up) for cheating to him. He left me for you, at least make him happy while it last. Dammit girl, I would love to be in your place.
I believe that we met people in this world for reasons. It's always between you changed their life or they changed your life. Since he clearly changed mine and I hope I changed his for the better. Because of him I learn a lot about myself, should I thank him(?). Well, I guess he's someone that God sends to me for my character development.
On September 2019, I met a guy thru the internet, yes, I know it's so risky, but at this time I don't care anymore. He's kind, charming, cute I guess.. He treasure me so much just by the short amount of time we spent together which kinda strange and tbh I was scared. My first love used to be as sweet as him at first we were dating. Although he turned cold just by the blink of eyes. So, would he do the same?
This guy did something I don't like and I confronted it in front of his face, I told him that I was uncomfortable with him doing or say certain of things. I don't really know why did I do that.. since I just playing with him, I should just leave him like that without telling him anything. But his respond to my critique was flawless. He make me feel like I could talk to him about things I fancy and I don't, without need to lower my standard about anything. He acknowledged it, and willing to change. I don't crazily in love with him like how I used to with my ex-boyfriend which is good, since I still could be objective with a lot of stuff. And tbh he's kind of guy that I could be serious with.. but ofc it's not that easy, yep, once again, the same mistake repeat once again. He has different religion as me. I keep playing with fire tho I know it will hurt me in the end but, at the same time I push away people whose religion the same as me. Why? I guess I'm just afraid to settle down with the wrong person, afraid to have be serious with someone who would hurt me in future, like.. how do you know they won't? I thought I could fight for my first love but man, I was wrong. How do you know that person is the one? I don't know.. probably I was a bitch.
How do people keep moving forward like how it suppose to be? Why am I so scared about these stuff? Why can't I believe in my decisions?
I know when my happily married future me read this post, she would laugh, but for now I'm praying, Dear God, please help me, cause I'm stuck, I just want to be happy.
I want him to be happy. As cringe as it sounds and why the fuck I still think that way when he broke me to pieces, I should just wish him hell... Well, I guess he really does my first love, cause this is so not make any fucking sense. But, after knowing he has a girlfriend just by only 2 weeks after we broken up.. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I'm not fine with that, not when even until recently I still having the worst nightmare about him. Still not fine with this break up. I still blaming myself for everything that happened, hating myself even more and such. But at the same time, I hate his ex-GF (yes, they have broken up) for cheating to him. He left me for you, at least make him happy while it last. Dammit girl, I would love to be in your place.
I believe that we met people in this world for reasons. It's always between you changed their life or they changed your life. Since he clearly changed mine and I hope I changed his for the better. Because of him I learn a lot about myself, should I thank him(?). Well, I guess he's someone that God sends to me for my character development.
On September 2019, I met a guy thru the internet, yes, I know it's so risky, but at this time I don't care anymore. He's kind, charming, cute I guess.. He treasure me so much just by the short amount of time we spent together which kinda strange and tbh I was scared. My first love used to be as sweet as him at first we were dating. Although he turned cold just by the blink of eyes. So, would he do the same?
This guy did something I don't like and I confronted it in front of his face, I told him that I was uncomfortable with him doing or say certain of things. I don't really know why did I do that.. since I just playing with him, I should just leave him like that without telling him anything. But his respond to my critique was flawless. He make me feel like I could talk to him about things I fancy and I don't, without need to lower my standard about anything. He acknowledged it, and willing to change. I don't crazily in love with him like how I used to with my ex-boyfriend which is good, since I still could be objective with a lot of stuff. And tbh he's kind of guy that I could be serious with.. but ofc it's not that easy, yep, once again, the same mistake repeat once again. He has different religion as me. I keep playing with fire tho I know it will hurt me in the end but, at the same time I push away people whose religion the same as me. Why? I guess I'm just afraid to settle down with the wrong person, afraid to have be serious with someone who would hurt me in future, like.. how do you know they won't? I thought I could fight for my first love but man, I was wrong. How do you know that person is the one? I don't know.. probably I was a bitch.
How do people keep moving forward like how it suppose to be? Why am I so scared about these stuff? Why can't I believe in my decisions?
I know when my happily married future me read this post, she would laugh, but for now I'm praying, Dear God, please help me, cause I'm stuck, I just want to be happy.
Saturday, May 11, 2019
A Place Where Kids Taught Me How to Live My Life
Stase pertama langsung dapat stase major yang banyak gosip kalau stase ini salah satu yg paling berat di DM1. Well.. i wouldnt say it was "easy", but i guess it's pretty manageable for me. Mungkin karena aku punya mereka, teman-teman sekelompok stase pediatri yang sumpaaah, aku sayang banget. Padahal dari mereka nggak ada yg aku akrab banget sebelum mulai stase ini, bahkan di hari pertama, saking aku ngerasa sangat distant sama mereka, aku nulis di buku jurnalku, berdoa biar aku bisa akrab sama mereka.. lucu banget deh pokoknya.
But really i have to say thank you, so freaking much to them, for making my days in pediatric a lot easier, every laughs, insults, omdo omdo kita, kemalasan yg hqq and very liltle things we did together. I treasure all of it. Have nothing to say except "thank you", may we realized that God have the best way prepared for us in the future
terima kasih pediatri
terima kasih kelompok 2
Monday, January 7, 2019
a fool
rushed back into old memories
everytime darkness coming thru as she closed her eyes
she found herself his replacement
a perfect size body pillow with imagination of his body warm
as she closed her eyes, as tighter her hug becomes
sleeping was easy for her
but now, the ice wall has melted,
the ice wall that protected her,
the wall which getting higher as love keep disappointed her, has gone.
no, she opened the door for him
because she loved him.
it was her first love
"dont be a fool, he doesnt want you"
"you are ugly, he prefer someone prettier"
"your family sucks, it's toxic for him"
"you are too fat, he cant even carry you"
"you are too clingy, it annoys him"
"you are useless, get lost"
her mind is trying to kill her
she knew, she wasn't a perfect match for him
but, what if...
what if she tried hard enough to get prettier
what if her family doesnt despite them
what if she strave herself to get skinnier
what if she took 'happy pills' to handle her behavior
what if she could abandon her problems to help him
....what if things were differently
will they have different ending?
she closes her eyes
sinking into her darkest friend
who tries to kill her
because she knew things won't change
everytime darkness coming thru as she closed her eyes
she found herself his replacement
a perfect size body pillow with imagination of his body warm
as she closed her eyes, as tighter her hug becomes
sleeping was easy for her
but now, the ice wall has melted,
the ice wall that protected her,
the wall which getting higher as love keep disappointed her, has gone.
no, she opened the door for him
because she loved him.
it was her first love
"dont be a fool, he doesnt want you"
"you are ugly, he prefer someone prettier"
"your family sucks, it's toxic for him"
"you are too fat, he cant even carry you"
"you are too clingy, it annoys him"
"you are useless, get lost"
her mind is trying to kill her
she knew, she wasn't a perfect match for him
but, what if...
what if she tried hard enough to get prettier
what if her family doesnt despite them
what if she strave herself to get skinnier
what if she took 'happy pills' to handle her behavior
what if she could abandon her problems to help him
....what if things were differently
will they have different ending?
she closes her eyes
sinking into her darkest friend
who tries to kill her
because she knew things won't change
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
divorce
one day we took a bow
promised to be in rain nor rainbow
together, looking at the same window
play no tricks like the jack sparrow
but, like a firework, the spark is gone
hope in your eyes is nowhere to be found
your words hunted me like a hound
perfectly captured myself as a dumb
honey, are you done?
being tolerant will be my forever mistake
of my poor soul for our children's sake
give me a break
cause, it suppose to be give and take
now I'm at my peak
im not broken, im a whole new stick
sounds stupid but im going to take a risk
putting my happiness as priority innit
honey trust me, it's gonna be sick
promised to be in rain nor rainbow
together, looking at the same window
play no tricks like the jack sparrow
but, like a firework, the spark is gone
hope in your eyes is nowhere to be found
your words hunted me like a hound
perfectly captured myself as a dumb
honey, are you done?
being tolerant will be my forever mistake
of my poor soul for our children's sake
give me a break
cause, it suppose to be give and take
now I'm at my peak
im not broken, im a whole new stick
sounds stupid but im going to take a risk
putting my happiness as priority innit
honey trust me, it's gonna be sick
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)