Sharing Loves Thru The Years [2017 - 2020] (I will keep updating this post :))

life update: i love my life :)

hello, how is it going guys? It is a month (more) already since the first day of  2021 but, to be honest, I haven't felt any significant changes yet. Last year somehow a bit blurry and I'm not sure how to describe it. It supposes to be the last year of my coass, but then.. we have corona. Except for the fact I lost so many great teachers and family members, I don't hate corona that much. My bad.., I guess I don't hate quarantine that much but, corona still sucks. I'm lucky enough I don't have to think much about financial problems caused by corona. As I'm writing this, I'm at a café, paying like Rp 37.000,00 for a cup of cafe latte where I could make it by myself at my house for Rp 0,00. I don't really think about saving money and stuff. Now I'm thinking back how much money I have spent on something I don't need or people who taking me for granted. I should have given it to people who actually adore me.

What else did you learn from 2020? I learn something really important by the end of last year (in December to be exact). Great Gods took me on Their side again for good. Letting me met such great people who taught me "we would be never be asking too much, you are just asking the wrong person" and it feels rewarding to cut off people who dim my light right now. Also, They taught me a great lesson by sending another guy from my past again in 2020, who (I have to remind you) made me lowering my worth back then, and asking (madly) to God "what the fuck do You plan for my future". I was so heartbroken, but damn I proved to God, I'm a lot smarter than trisna in 2018. It was rough but I get a hold of it. I told my whole family about this, letting them read the messages, contacting all my closest friends asking for support. And man, I'm so grateful to have them (and of course I spilled the tea to my insta bestiesss on close friends lists, real-time ;)). Now from the deepest of my heart, I wish him to get HIV AIDS (+) for having sex with a lot of girls at once (he told me his first time were in high school at his parent's house.. geez :")). I'm grateful I don't give my "first time" to him (since you know..we could be really stupid when we were in love). And to be honest, I may just stay a virgin until I knot a tie to a well-mannered man who actually matches my standards (like for real). However, I'm not rushing, I'm a complete human being already :) having a partner means it's the extension of my happiness, not "someone who completes me" :)

I promised to take care of myself a lot better than I used to. Not only mentally, but physically too. I have been working out for 45 minutes every day for the past 2 weeks. Having a private thread mill helps a lot since we can't go out as much as we used to. I don't change anything from my diet, but I do be more cautious with everything I put inside my mouth. Hmm, what else.. ah, I have been studying hard too!, like almost 4 hours a day (hey, that's a lot for a lazy ass like me) even my family wondered how could I survive medical school so far with the bare minimum, like hey! that's pretty amazing if I have to be honest :) just imagine I'm doing most of it since my fresh year, haha. 

So many great things happened to me and my family in January, and I'm happy to say "I found myself in the place where a lot of people lose me", and I believe that the greatest thing yet to come this year. In May I'm going to take my final examination to become a real doctor, and I'm pretty sure life is going to be a lot better and better as I try to love myself more. Haha, I don't know what to say, but yeah... I love my life so much recently :) and I'm thankful for the bad and good people who crossed my life to teach me how great is my life :)

The Equality We Fight For

(art by J. Howard Miller, 1943)

Hi there, it's been a while since I actually write something worthy here. Somehow this blog become a "poetry" ass kind of blog (which I don't mind) but for now let's change that. People who know me (not they thought they know me, because I'm a fake bitch) knew most of time I have strong opinions about every problems in this world, and I understand those opinions aren't for everyone. I used to wrote all of my opinions on a twitter thread but I don't feel like it's enough to get all of what I'm trying to say through just tweets.And I don't really like the audience on twitter anymore.

Let's talk about feminism, which means "the advocacy of women's rights on the basis of the equality of the sexes". The classic "equality". What's is that mean? what is "equality" in this case. As what I remember in my whole life I have always been fighting for this equality. In Balinese culture, it's not a shock anymore of our parent's sexist behavior. Boys will always be treated better than girls, and I know in most of Indonesia province are also like this, but I'm not talking in their places. I have to say it sucks to be born in this world without our consent, then being treated like less than the other gender or even worse, an object.

My dad used to tell me and my sister to do all the house chores all the time but, never say anything to my big brother. Why do you ask? Because we are women. It's our job to clean the house, cook, and do other things that women "suppose" to do. Hey don't get me wrong.. I'm not against doing the house chores as a kid, but.., don't you think it's a bit unfair to treat you children differently when we can't decide our own gender? Let's say that if being a girl or being a boy is a job and we could choose which job tasks we would like to do, then it's fine, but that's not how it is. We could not choose being a girl or a boy before we were born. If I have to be frank, I'm just gonna say, if I work on the house chores, my big bro needs to work on the house chores too, and let our ability and choices be the one which decide what kind of house chores we suppose to do, but not because our fucking gender. 

"It's how it is, women have to do these kind of stuff, because you guys are women", said my dad all the time (yeah, fuck you 2010's dad). One day I fed up with this bullshit and snapped, I told him that it was really unfair to oppresses women (specially his daughters) doing things what society thinks women suppose to do. Doing the house chores like cleaning, cooking etc is GENERAL BASIC SURVIVING SKILLS, it's not only women's job and it's not only men's job. It will be really wise for him to teach his son (who is my big bro) these basic surviving skills too. And I would love to learn how to fix broken stuff, carrying aqua bottle, loading the electric pulses and other stuff which society associated with "men's job". And he is really not in the place to talk about how women suppose to act, because we know my mom brings more money in the house.

How long we need to be exist in this world to realize that people's job have no boundaries. Women can do what men "suppose" do to, so do men, they could do what women "suppose" to do. The equality we fight right now is suppose to be the chances that given in both genders, not only women but also for men. It was that simple... "the chances". If women want to do the man's job or want to be in their job position, then  we need to assess if the ability of the women is the same as men to do so. Because we can't deny the fact that women's body and men's body work differently. For example, women's bodies  are design to be weaker than men's,  that's just how it is. It's harder for women gain muscle than men. But! it's not impossible, if we could do more, practice more and work more, there are some chances we could be as strong as they are (tho it's hard, it's not 100% impossible) but the chance for us (women) doing so should be available.

Now lets talk about the "feminism" on twitter. I HATE TWITTER FEMINIST :) they often bring their arguments by lowering the men down (ofc, not all of them). What is it for?? Yes, some men could be really trash and shit but, women could do the same thing too. If they (men) get it wrong, then correct them, not lowering them down and pleaseee do that to women too. I did that to my dad, all the time, I don't like how my dad used to treat me so I fought for "this equality" in such a long time (I don't blame him 100% since he was born in the family where men were literally kings) and my dad finally accepted it. His era and my era were different and he needs to understand about it, he simply doesn't know because it was different when he was young. Now, he support me following my dreams, asked me to do house chores simply because I'm his child not because I'm a woman and respect my opinions because I'm worthy enough to be his discussion mate and it feels great.

It probably sounds so naive but I believe that we could slowly change Indonesia to a better place, one by one more people would understand basic humanity like this, and respect each other because we are human, we all the same. And all genders are worthy to protect.

overwhelmed

I don't know how to act. I'm confused and lost. I thought I would be okay.. yet my heart got broken  again. Trisna oh my dear Trisna.. you know the situation better than anyone who are willing to give  you life advises about this. And to be honest, you also knew this situation better than him, yet how could it turn out like this? How crazy it's when both of you knew it's impossible to move forward than this yet you (Trisna), still can't decide the obvious thing to let him go.

What are looking for from him? you know it too well Trisna, you deserve someone better than him. A lot better! You deserve a whole package gentleman who treats you like a princess, just like how you want it to be. The perfect life that you are always imagine, which full of passionate love that never dies. Hey, Is it your ego win over you? The ego of wanting to be the best girl in his life who loves him to the fullest? Or is it just a simple empathy? Either way.. why would you care? Why would you suffer yourself for something like this? Like.. could you simply tell me one reason Tris..

"You are not obligated to fix him for his past", that's exactly what my sister said whenever I made excuses for him treating me like no one. What's my goal? giving him the better life that full of love? But, what is it for? Why should you do that? It's not your job Trisna. It's not your fucking job!! He ignored your texts! YOU ARE DISTURBING HIM! You confuse him with his life decisions also Tris, you made it hard for him too. You said you want his happiness more than anything right? Then you should stop doing this, and respect his decisions, okay Tris?

I'm having conversation in my head with myself, neck to neck yelling between my logic and my feelings, while listening to Gayatri Mantra to calm me down a bit. You  need to wake up baby Trisna, open your eyes, open them wide. You did all of these for whom? not for you, not for him, so for whom?

"But, he's my source of happiness, then it's for me right? I'm doing this for me right?" Well tris, let me ask you one question, is he the only source of your happiness? "No.. no he isn't" Then, how about you start finding it somewhere else? "I did try to find it in other people but, it never like how it is when I'm with him. it was different", How so? "I don't know, I really don't know.. I'm not sure myself". Then, why don't you try to find it inside yourself Tris, you may free your soul from this seeking game.

"He said he love me", yes Trisna, he did say that, I know... But, it still doesn't change anything right? it still doesn't change a thing! you still can't have him. "That's why I will love him in silent and far away like how I always do", But Trisna, it will hurt you even more, he wants you to be happy! don't you listen to what he got to say!? "And did you forget what I just say? He is also part of my happiness, I'm happy to love him this way..until the day he found his forever" So.. are you going to settle for less and making this sacrifice even bigger? "Well, if you put it that way.. I guess I will". You know you are doing something so stupid right? "Hahaha, I know, I also think this is a stupid thing to do. But, if God let me, I want to do it this way a bit longer". You will regret this decision Trisna, "Hopefully not as much as what people expect me, But, right now I feel like I will regret it even more if I don't do it this way"

Hey Trisna, it's time for you to visit to your doctor, don't miss it out again like last month. "Okay"

does anyone really like me

a whole ass clown
seeking for help
to fill the hollow
in her heart...
by helping others
sacrifice her pride
selling her soul

but..
does anyone ever like her?
not just the laughs she provide.

Page 3 - Have I Ever Crossed Your Mind?

Semesta sedang berkerja,
untuk kita yang berlebihan.
Untuk kita yang tidak sadar,
akan hal kecil yang tidak dirayakan,
dicampahkan,
dan dilupakan.
Kebahagiaan besar dari hal kecil,
yang keberadaannya dipertanyakan.
"Syukuri", kata mereka yang berjas
"Tapi, kami makan apa?"

"Nya dan tanda tanya"
Hey, apakah pembunuhan ini diperlukan?
Percuma,
Nya tidak bisa menjawab,
Dia tidak pernah bisa menjawab.
Layaknya pemerintah,
dan kita yang masih sibuk menunjukan jari,
pada mereka yang berusaha.
Karena ketidakpuasan kita akan keadaan.

Tapi..
kapan kita pernah puas?

Makhluk yang rakus,
buncit dan menjijikan.
Untuk buana agung yang sedang berusaha,
menyelamatkan dirinya dari kita.
Itulah kita.

Ku doakan kau cepat sembuh,
bunuhlah kami yang tidak tau diri ini.
Hey, Nya, sembuhkan dia,
pinta muridmu yang tidak taat akan aturanmu,
dan berikan dia keselamatan,
walau dalam gelapnya,
dia lupakan ku dan doa ku.
Kumohon,
saatnya Kau tunjukan kalau Kau ada.

Page 2 - Maturing

the little girl has grown up,
tiny steps into big dreams,
she never been so sure of what she wants,
until that day where she decided to..
trust herself.

dark alleys still scared her,
but fairies keep giving her their lights,
more than she ever thought she would have,
she's blessed.
more importantly she could feel it,
she felt blessed.

now, she's a strong girl,
at least stronger than before,
took time and pain to make her this way,
tons of battlefield,
broken hopes, dead dreams,
a war with herself,
filled with unknown tears.

but the light doesn't goes off,
the fairies keeping them bright,
as bright as the sun,
oh God, she's so blessed,

some fairies go away,
but the new one keep coming out,
holding her faith that she will win,
she will win this fight.

No,
she wasn't looking for a prince charming,
this strong girl needs a knight,
she needs a soldier friend,
because she knew mere prince won't be enough
and she won't be lowering her standard,
not again..
for a weak man,
she's way too good for that.

she held her chin up
with or without crown on her head
because she knew she deserves more
than what this dungeon offers

she will keep her light
of her own
and she own no one for her light
more than the fairies.