I have been writing in this blog lately but never actually post it. And the one that I'm posting is always about my love story. I guess this blog become my forever safe place to talk about those stuff aka wanting some attention without afraid getting judge directly by anyone. It's been almost a year since my first heart break. On my 22nd birthday I accidentally start a conversation with him, and we started to send DM on instagram again. If I have to be honest, I was happy at first. "I don't have to avoid him anymore", that's all I was thinking. But our conversation was getting more hurtful for me by the time, since he still remember my small habits and by the way he talked, he clearly doesn't care as much as I do. But sometimes I wondered if he really know how much he broke me at that time.
We talked. That's nice. Not able to talk to the person who once you loved with all of your heart is scary, so this is nice. I should be satisfied. I should be. But I'm not.. I still wanting to seek for answers of the reason of my suffering sleepless nights. I want him to know that he did something really mean to me, I want him to know he was a jerk and I don't deserve any of those. I want his acknowledgement. But what's the point of it? nothing is gonna change... no, it's not I want something to change between both of us like how it was before, because I can't let myself in the same despair again. For the God's sake, I wish I would never go thru something like that again. This prolonged heartbreak which ruin my life shouldn't be with me any longer.
So... what was I looking for.. I would like to know the answer as well. Why do I so freaking care about his freaking opinions.. I should just walk away and not looking back. I should just leave him alone since he's the one who push me away. Man, everyone knows it's his loss. Then why..?
I want him to be happy. As cringe as it sounds and why the fuck I still think that way when he broke me to pieces, I should just wish him hell... Well, I guess he really does my first love, cause this is so not make any fucking sense. But, after knowing he has a girlfriend just by only 2 weeks after we broken up.. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I'm not fine with that, not when even until recently I still having the worst nightmare about him. Still not fine with this break up. I still blaming myself for everything that happened, hating myself even more and such. But at the same time, I hate his ex-GF (yes, they have broken up) for cheating to him. He left me for you, at least make him happy while it last. Dammit girl, I would love to be in your place.
I believe that we met people in this world for reasons. It's always between you changed their life or they changed your life. Since he clearly changed mine and I hope I changed his for the better. Because of him I learn a lot about myself, should I thank him(?). Well, I guess he's someone that God sends to me for my character development.
On September 2019, I met a guy thru the internet, yes, I know it's so risky, but at this time I don't care anymore. He's kind, charming, cute I guess.. He treasure me so much just by the short amount of time we spent together which kinda strange and tbh I was scared. My first love used to be as sweet as him at first we were dating. Although he turned cold just by the blink of eyes. So, would he do the same?
This guy did something I don't like and I confronted it in front of his face, I told him that I was uncomfortable with him doing or say certain of things. I don't really know why did I do that.. since I just playing with him, I should just leave him like that without telling him anything. But his respond to my critique was flawless. He make me feel like I could talk to him about things I fancy and I don't, without need to lower my standard about anything. He acknowledged it, and willing to change. I don't crazily in love with him like how I used to with my ex-boyfriend which is good, since I still could be objective with a lot of stuff. And tbh he's kind of guy that I could be serious with.. but ofc it's not that easy, yep, once again, the same mistake repeat once again. He has different religion as me. I keep playing with fire tho I know it will hurt me in the end but, at the same time I push away people whose religion the same as me. Why? I guess I'm just afraid to settle down with the wrong person, afraid to have be serious with someone who would hurt me in future, like.. how do you know they won't? I thought I could fight for my first love but man, I was wrong. How do you know that person is the one? I don't know.. probably I was a bitch.
How do people keep moving forward like how it suppose to be? Why am I so scared about these stuff? Why can't I believe in my decisions?
I know when my happily married future me read this post, she would laugh, but for now I'm praying, Dear God, please help me, cause I'm stuck, I just want to be happy.
I want him to be happy. As cringe as it sounds and why the fuck I still think that way when he broke me to pieces, I should just wish him hell... Well, I guess he really does my first love, cause this is so not make any fucking sense. But, after knowing he has a girlfriend just by only 2 weeks after we broken up.. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I'm not fine with that, not when even until recently I still having the worst nightmare about him. Still not fine with this break up. I still blaming myself for everything that happened, hating myself even more and such. But at the same time, I hate his ex-GF (yes, they have broken up) for cheating to him. He left me for you, at least make him happy while it last. Dammit girl, I would love to be in your place.
I believe that we met people in this world for reasons. It's always between you changed their life or they changed your life. Since he clearly changed mine and I hope I changed his for the better. Because of him I learn a lot about myself, should I thank him(?). Well, I guess he's someone that God sends to me for my character development.
On September 2019, I met a guy thru the internet, yes, I know it's so risky, but at this time I don't care anymore. He's kind, charming, cute I guess.. He treasure me so much just by the short amount of time we spent together which kinda strange and tbh I was scared. My first love used to be as sweet as him at first we were dating. Although he turned cold just by the blink of eyes. So, would he do the same?
This guy did something I don't like and I confronted it in front of his face, I told him that I was uncomfortable with him doing or say certain of things. I don't really know why did I do that.. since I just playing with him, I should just leave him like that without telling him anything. But his respond to my critique was flawless. He make me feel like I could talk to him about things I fancy and I don't, without need to lower my standard about anything. He acknowledged it, and willing to change. I don't crazily in love with him like how I used to with my ex-boyfriend which is good, since I still could be objective with a lot of stuff. And tbh he's kind of guy that I could be serious with.. but ofc it's not that easy, yep, once again, the same mistake repeat once again. He has different religion as me. I keep playing with fire tho I know it will hurt me in the end but, at the same time I push away people whose religion the same as me. Why? I guess I'm just afraid to settle down with the wrong person, afraid to have be serious with someone who would hurt me in future, like.. how do you know they won't? I thought I could fight for my first love but man, I was wrong. How do you know that person is the one? I don't know.. probably I was a bitch.
How do people keep moving forward like how it suppose to be? Why am I so scared about these stuff? Why can't I believe in my decisions?
I know when my happily married future me read this post, she would laugh, but for now I'm praying, Dear God, please help me, cause I'm stuck, I just want to be happy.
